Devoid of her own personal wit, Theresa May has fallen back on the ‘coalition of chaos’ barb that worked so well for Cameron in the last election to attack basically all other parties and any notions of a progressive alliance.
The fact that in 2015 the Tories had just been in a pretty unstable coalition themselves (omnishambles budgets, academies, etc.) didn’t register on their irony scale at the time, nor, unfortunately, with the feeble irony-o-meter of the general public, who ended up giving ham-bot and his cabal of wreckers carte blanche to unleash Brexit and throw us into actual, bona fide chaos… And still nothing from the masses.
The greater irony is, however, had the public not drank so deeply from the Old Etonian cup, the Tories would have been forced back into coalition. With whom is irrelevant, because one of the first things ‘call me Dave’ would have put on the table in any negotiation would have been the referendum, which he didn’t really want, but was using as bargaining chip. A hubristic gamble that exploded in his face, just like the old days when he was fagging, possibly. So in essence, coalition would probably not have been all that chaotic by comparison to what transpired, it would have saved us all from so much fuckery.
So the next time you see a Tory banging on about strength and stability and suggesting any alternative to them is chaos, do remember that they are the architects of the most socially and politically unstable times in a generation. Giving the Tories a free hand has been disastrous and to do it again in 2017 would be lunacy.
Filling the internet with unremarkable, petty, moronic things, all to generate ad revenue, is currently the MO of online capitalism masquerading as journalism. It doesn’t matter what the fuck you write because putting it in a list makes it shareable. 11 People Called June, Seven Ways to Urinate, 61 Times That Tuesday Happened, think of any old shit, gather together the stock photography and off you go. Profit. The spreadsheet is clearly lord and master as there appear to be no limits to the barely lukewarm fripperies of the listicle; lowest common denominator clickbait wins, how the fuck else would these things get published?
- We’ll Never Forget These 9 All-Time Great Performances by Grieving Stars. Do fuck off, Evan, there’s a good chap.
- The Official Ranking of Herbs, From Worst to Best. I shouldn’t need to comment really but there is nothing in this list that raises it above half-witted, ludicrous nonsense. I’m sure the author (…) could make myriad arguments for this being light hearted and fun but it is neither, it’s just a massive, meaningless waste of everything.
- 21 Types of Best Friends Everyone Has. At best this is an asinine list of ‘hilarious’ personality types. Mainly it’s just aimless, soul destroying cack. If this list chimed with you in any way you should have a very fucking serious word with yourself.
- 21 Pictures You’ll Only Understand If You’re Introverted. No Michelle, you’re quite wrong, I like going out to pubs and getting utterly arseholed and shouting at bins, but I understood. I understood it was vacuous crap.
- 16 Early Photographs That Prove History Was Evil. If, having just read the title of this one you didn’t scream BOLLOCKS at your computer, we won’t get on.
- 35 Celebs Who’ve Aged Horribly. Pictures of people when they were young and then old. THEY HAVE AGED, HOW DISGUSTING OF THEM. Awful fucktards can at least afford surgery…
- 17 Celebrity Before-And-After Plastic Surgery Disasters. Nice byline pic Ashley, is that before or after your disaster? The quality of all these articles is suspect but this is so devoid of any care or attention that it would probably have been better to let a thought-challenged amoeba have a go.
Slaves – Not nearly as good as Sleaford Mods.
Gaz Coombes – The least interesting thing he has done so far and that includes The Road to Rouen
Soak – Taupe, fawn, oatmeal, magnolia…
Jamie xx – A kind of shit pastiche.
Benjamin Clemetine – Nice voice, but really very dull.
Ghostpoet – I like this one!
Florence + the Machine – Like an angry swan in a tunnel.
Eska – Earnest vocalising over ‘imaginative’ music. S’alright… spose….
C Duncan – Reminds me of Jim Noir. Probably not a bad thing.
Roisin Murphy – Rips off ‘Pancake Day’ by Mulligan & O’Hare. (Good!)
Wolf Alice – Did a good single but the album is dog shit and reeks of A&R box ticking. Go home.
Aphex Twin – He’s a bleedin’ genius dontcha know. He is.
1995ish: nerds + porn / theft of intellectual property = internet
2000ish: dotcom bubble + porn / theft of intellectual property = internet
2005ish: stalking old school friends + lolcats + porn / theft of intellectual property = internet
2010ish: avoiding work colleagues + lolcats + porn / theft of intellectual property = internet
2015ish: passive aggressive bullshit + lolcats + porn x marketing twattery / theft of intellectual property = internet
I’ve worked in PR for a long time now. I never wanted to work in PR, it happened by accident. I was fundamentally opposed to lots of the practises of the profession, but responsibilities require me to earn cash, and for better or worse (give you a clue, it’s worse) I have been lying to people professionally for over 15 years.
The last few years have seen a huge paradigm shift (haha, stick that up your arse journos) in the industry, fuelled by social media and the ‘need’ for year-round conversation with your audience, the knock on effect of which has been to render my working hours for one particular client into a sort of groundhog day of deeply pointless meetings and conference calls that go not unlike this:
OK team, let’s plan what I think is an important announcement!
Everybody stop doing any PR and please feed into this pointless timeline that has no value to either you or me but will prove to my fellow directors that we know how to write lists. As in all other cases ever, we will not come even remotely close to sticking to this timeline, but I will stuff it full of unrealistic targets and hold you to them, even though you haven’t agreed that they are achievable.
OK – hey stop doing PR there – we need to go through the timeline in agonising detail and change its constituent parts from what seemed vaguely sensible to whatever it is someone has just told me is cool or good and will engage the fanbase. Shall we have an hour long conference call in which all suggestions and advice from you will be completely ignored in favour of my own personal whim?
Great, OK let’s all work to this new timeline and plan that no one really thought was a good idea and is now just a bit too convoluted and won’t really work. Everybody GO!
Something has happened, probably an off the cuff remark by a director that I am massively overreacting to, and now we need to completely change the timeline to make sure we are connecting with the customer base. Stop doing PR and let’s spend another fruitless couple of hours discussing something largely unimportant.
Great, now we have a new timeline, let’s just squeeze in this new announcement that no one was previously aware of, and will completely fuck up our brand new timeline, sell no wares and get no PR pick up (because you don’t have time to PR it properly) because I’ve decided that that’s what we should do and I will justify this by using the word ‘traction’.
Everybody redo the timeline.
R e p e a t
R e p e a t
R e p e a t
R e p e a t
There is a lot of ‘20 Years Since Britpop’ noise happening at the moment, for which I care very little. Britpop was, in general, awful. Leaving aside any jingoistic connotations that were foisted upon it by the media, Britpop was basically lots of arseholes who were far too pleased with themselves for copying something that was so much better than them in the first place. Well done you clever boys and girls. Britpop was the start of the endlessly backwards looking bullshit, the artless imitation, that has been a feature of pop culture ever since, legitimising ‘will this do?’ fodder for the mass market. So much smug satisfaction and so little talent does not make for something to celebrate, as far as I am concerned – Echobelly, Sleeper, Cast, The Seahorses, Hurricane #1, Heavy Stereo, Space, are all as dull as painting your eyes magnolia and listening to every speech Ken Livingstone has ever made.
So, clearly, I won’t be tuning into Jo Whiley and Steve Lamacq on Radio 2 in the coming weeks. Their Radio 1 show was quite good at the time, mainly because it wasn’t all about Britpop, although, naturally, as the big sound of the day, it featured a bit too heavily for my liking. Having a show that exclusively looks back, 20 years hence, on a scene that exclusively looked backwards on ‘classic’ British pop seems a bit pointless to me. I am not saying that all music should be startlingly original or it’s worthless, but when something is so slavishly travelling in reverse and so rammed full of ham-fisted vignettes of every day life that are as humdrum as the soundtracks they accompany, then there is little to eulogise.
Any scene, no matter how bereft of substance, however, will have its exceptions and Britpop, despite its creative inertia, did have at least 10 really incredible songs. Personally, Oasis make me feel unwell but Columbia is quite brilliant. Mansun, a bit like Muse after them, believed they were clever, arty and insightful and they were just as wrong, but Wide Open Space is about as elegant as anyone ever got in the 90s. This Is A Low still stands up as a timeless bit of pop and Babies, well, it’s Pulp and they stood alone in the scene… It’s debatable if Night Vision, Lazarus and This Is Music are really Britpop but I needed to make up the numbers and all three tracks are particularly magnificent.
So, despite my aversion to almost all of Britpop’s stock, here is my own contribution to the noise. Ten tracks that you should listen to If You Have To Do Britpop…
Spotify Playlist If you have to do Britpop…
Mansun – Wide Open Space
Oasis – Columbia
Supergrass – Lose It
Elastic – Stutter
Pulp – Babies
Suede – The Drowners
Super Furry Animals – Night Vision
The Boo Radleys – Lazarus
The Verve – This Is Music
Blur – This is a Low